It appears the word 'cis' is now verboten at Pam's House Blend, because it offends at least one white cis gay man.

That constitutes the final straw for me so far as that site is concerned, as I have no patience for a discussion in which the official line is that trans and cis people ought not be regarded as on equal neutral footing because doing so offends cis people, just as I cut all interaction with The Bilerico Project and with Pandagon.

A checklist of 'stupid things done' collected from lost_angelwings

( The List )

GRAND TOTAL: 49

Very messy HTML attached to this. Don't have the patience for fixing it now.

(02:09:24) Ami angelwings: http://www.cbc.ca/consumer/story/2009/06/23/gazprom-mountain-russia-logo.html?ref=rss
(02:09:25) Ami angelwings: o_O
(02:10:26) celestialjayde: O.O
(02:10:36) Ami angelwings: yus
(02:11:08) celestialjayde: But I don't want to live in a cyberpunk future.

Filter: tired

A while back I was asked for Australian comedy recommendations and managed to completely overlook the brilliant Tim Minchin, responsible for such gems as this:


(there is another shorter version which includes the dedication to his wife here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzNE)

Filter: energetic

While talking with mantic_angel earlier and considering webcomics we read in light of how white they are, it ocurred to me that if I am going to be doing the thing of applying media ratings to stories read there would be not much more trouble in keeping some note of representation. Things like race, disability, gender, ...

It would not affect the rating given, since there is no provision for that, but I suspect I would find it enlightening. Probably disheartening too. Likely to be tricky too, since in some (many?) cases interpretation would play a role, and looking at anything where I am ignorant there is likely to be a lot of details missed out on. Even for things I could claim as 'mine' this is far from something I would consider myself adept at.

I guess 'tis fortunate the whole thing, ratings and all, is mainly for myself an exercise in observation and awareness. If they'd had any practical use it would be for something such as applying those conclusions to be a guide for use in the raising of a child and access to media, but I don't have any intentions of strictness in that regard. Is just, something I am doing for enjoyment which may inform later perspectives.

Mainly that I at last was assessed at my placement and came out better than had been my expectation, a tremendous relief. Even to say as happened last time with different person that I might proceed into the full librarian degree.

Very surprisingly to me, was rated quite competent. I thought I had been passable at best. If this keeps up, may have to accept a reassessment of myself as 'not entirely incapable / worthless'. That could be nice.

Still, that assessment aside there are still some things which need to be taken care of before I am done. Two last days at placement. A final cataloguing exam next week. Two last assignments to be turned in. It is mainly the assignments I worry about, am stressed by. Assignments have never been something I handled well, so if I fall down anywhere it will be there.

We hope, hope.

Leading particle physicists have recently announced they have given up the search for the Higgs bosun, to focus instead on seeking evidence of the elusive Higgs ninja. The Higgs ninja is believed to be responsible for mass, via a process of sneaking around and gluing particles together when no one is looking.

Of their reasons for switching focus one spokesperson has been quoted as saying "We simply don't believe a pirate force could have evaded detection all these years" and more pertinently that "Very few subatomic particles show evidence of having been boarded."

Note: Originally posted at feminist_rage

So we have a post at Bad Astronomy, where it is announced a new probe to Mars has been named Curiosity and that the name was bestowed by a sixth-grader named Clara Ma. Some of her essay was quoted:

Curiosity is an everlasting flame that burns in everyone’s mind. It makes me get out of bed in the morning and wonder what surprises life will throw at me that day. Curiosity is such a powerful force. Without it, we wouldn’t be who we are today. […] Curiosity is the passion that drives us through our everyday lives. We have become explorers and scientists with our need to ask questions and to wonder. Sure, there are many risks and dangers, but despite that, we still continue to wonder and dream and create and hope. We have discovered so much about the world, but still so little. We will never know everything there is to know, but with our burning curiosity, we have learned so much.

"At least it wasn't named Fluffy Miss Muffybunny..... (Note: NEVER give young girls unilateral naming power over anything other than rabbits or horses....)"

"So when is NASA going to stop letting little girls and fake talk show hosts name their spacecraft?

Now I am waiting for the Hanna Montana mission to Jupiter.

Or maybe the Jonas Brothers space probe to Venus."

Filter: angry

Kinda wishing I could watch this with soltice and pazi_ashfeather, since mockery is probably the only way I could enjoy watching it. Could very well be among the very most scientifically laughable things I've seen even including fantasy stories.

Length of post is not equivalent to value or quality of the communication. A written expression may be succinct yet communicate effectively.

Between myself and my mother, A and B.

A: Had an interesting dream last night. Someone throwing knives at me and me catching them and throwing them back*.
B: Well that could be a good omen.
A: It was a good dream, with the lack of the end of the world or dread or apocalyptic scenarios.
B: You should stop watching those things watch. Watch something happy instead, like Mary Poppins.
A: I once read an interpretation of Mary Poppins as existential horror :D**



*Did not mention the pump made by, for and of Pokemon and of which people had to cast water-breathing spells on themselves to survive the tour of, nor the unexpectedly homophobic team-member who declared it unfair that someone else got to help a plane with gay people on it to land when he was not allowed to just let them die. But pretty happy / fun as dreams go.

**sometimes accurate transcription requires this

Only want to say a little about yesterday. Very foggy in the morning, so small the distance objects faded away, fairy lights wreathed in white. The traffic was good, but for a while everything went flat for me and I saw 2-dimensional objects arranged in a 3-dimensional landscape. Very briefly, but odd and intriguing and possible I think to replicate deliberately.

It was approximately enough my supervisor's birthday that a minor celebration was occurring. I had fortunately baked coincidental scones, so that worked out well. And for lunch one of the people I have been working with took me over to our library's shadow twin, where I got to chat with Q on her lunch break. That was fun.

Was also one of, perhaps the first time I was less pleased to be home than at my placement, especially being unable to retreat from family to WoW since not renewing. Well, sometimes it is just not pleasant to go home. I keep hoping once I can manage on my own I feel more competent, less of a screw-up in reflection of everyone else.

Am feeling surprisingly good this morning - and I say this morning despite the likelihood there will not be time to finish and that posting these words must wait until afternoon at earliers), though I'd normally quite be feeling anxious and stressed. As with last night, yesterday afternoon. Which I might attribute to getting to be a good girl last night and making proper preparations, a bit of an early retirement to bed although I did keep waking dozy with odd thoughts. At least none were of terror.

I'd be stressed because we near the end of my time in this course, and in a few weeks unless I make some large mistake I will be graduated and qualified for seeking of work. I quite fear making that large mistake, and grow frantic. The previous two days of my placement - Thursday and Friday last week - I missed to a sudden sickness. Already had been planning to make up some time missed due to family necessities on those very days, I do feel it imperative to make some offer of making those hours up.

Well, the people I have been placed to work with seem quite nice, and more willing to let me have time off than I am, so I doubt they'd demand but do hope they might allow. It could get awkward. Assignments to do in the next week, some details of which had been for securing on those days I was ill, and others which are indeed my responsibility let slip. There's that over this week, and another faltering of mine needing juggling in a medical way.

I have been trying, or rather meaning to try, to change endocrinologists. Have gotten a good recommendation from someone local, to a doctor not a whit nearer to me but reputedly vastly superior in patientside manner, openness and rescriptions. Finally managed to secure the appropriate details to secure referral, but let it slip so long and far I've only a week left of final scrips from last visit to anyone. So along with all that placement and school stuff I have ideally a relatively remote doctor's visit or at least a blood test to secure in this next week also.

With all that piled up, I am feeling surprisingly good this morning. Have not after all written such a journal entry in a long while.

Sometimes I make pretty bad typos, often the sort where I mean one word and accidentally type an entirely different but correctly spelled word.

This time where I meant to address my girlfriend by name I instead said to her 'power drill'.

Filter: giggly

And this one produced a result worth sharing more widely.

*
(14:10:35) aesmael: Also: http://l-userpic.livejournal.com/76718498/13174748
(14:10:46) Pazi: Hee.
(14:10:56) Pazi: "Please state the nature of the temporal emergency."



*It seemed polite to neither steal the icon uncredited for my own use, nor do any sort of hotlinking to the owner's use of it.

Writing characters based on people I know. It's the same difficulty I have with writing anything fanfiction if the result is intended to be at all representative of the original canon. That is, I am not very good at making my version resemble the source. Probably I am poor at characterisation overall, but it shows especially sharply if the version I write is intended to resemble some preexisting version.

In this case I think the better thing for me to do is not attempt to make representations true to any actual person and leave it at simply 'inspiration was given from...'. Especially since I would actually find it unpleasant to write accurate representations of people I know for this or probably any other story.

The thought process leading to this post can be approximated as follows:
"I'm stuck, I don't know what these characters would do now."
*an idea presents itself*
"I like that, but is it at all what RealPerson would do? It seems very unlike her."
*realisation of this maybe not being a problem*

So I finally was given an invitation to the thing, which means I can stop debating with myself whether I'd actually use it or if it's just another pointless thing and find out.

Originally I thought, maybe I can use that place as an opportunity to branch out, be more social, explore different interests. But I've got too of that already, really. The reason I'm lonely is the kinds of socialisation I am getting, not the amount, which is perhaps even too much and needing to be pulled back for my own sake. That won't be solved by joining a lot of different communities where I am neither adept at participating nor driven to work hard enough at participation to foster a sense of inclusion, if that is even possible.

I've been in online communities according to hobby or identity and I know from experience they are not for me, and even when I look at them and wish I could be part of the 'in group' I know also that just does not work for me, in a whole lot of ways. I might try still joining some but I have very little expectation of being able to participate.

So mainly it seems a bit pointless in the end, except as another cross-posting complication, but perhaps that will change. And I can at least try adding the people I know who maintain a presence at both sites.

Industry placement thing has been going better, perhaps. Am managing to do more without needing assistance, and more complicated things with. Less nervous too, although today that seemed a bit reversed. Anxious and whimpery today despite managing stuff, and messing up a bit later in the day. Was busy in the afternoon and the noise and... visual busyness were unpleasant.

But I did manage pretty well without having to bother the permanent staff for assistance, except that they need to print for me. I have even less ability to do so than a randomly selected student, as I have no account access in the system at all.

In other news, my mother has a new laptop. She got it, I think, because she has taken up a course of study and wants reliable computer access in order to complete it (a final push it seems) and at her request I have been helping her set it up. Am a bit envious of the machine, being two years newer than mine. However, I did get a lamp out of the deal. Yes, a lovely shiny glorious lamp to keep by my bedside and give light when called upon in the dark.

Speaking of sleep, two nights ago I was woken by a nightmare and, shaking all over, lost two hours before I was able to sleep again. Not great when I needed those hours to be rested for my placement. Fortunately other than that blip my dreams seem to have returned to ordinary far. One a blood-swirling, scalpel-wielding, compulsively murderous young boy who had to be chided not to experimentally kill those around him. The other one featuring family telling me "you always take but never give". So long as I am neither woken nor shaken.

And another 'speaking of'. Speaking of sleep, I should try to get some before the hour grows too late and uncomfortable. So, trying to write first, to get done my personal things.

... and I fell asleep there, making the rest of this written the day after. Must have been tireder than I thought from losing sleep the two previous days - slept about twelve hours, five of those nowhere near my bed. Unfortunately that means rather than being pleased at having managed 221 words of writing (when I had been making slow progress that night and did most of it immediately before sleep), now I am disappointed I fell asleep before finishing this entry and getting to doing any writing at all. Ah well. I take the position I was in need of that sleep, to rest and recover.

Today has been interesting, spending about eight hours (so far) on Skype catching up with a few people I have not seen enough of in the past few days or much longer. Amusing considering I am feeling less social lately and more inclined to persue personal projects. But I like having at least some contact and social channels potentially open, and I am still learning how to regulate that more deliberately so my day does not vanish into a sea of responding to and engaging with people when I meant to be primarily doing something else entirely.

My compulsions seem to be resurfacing a bit at this placement. Not enough to be more than a minor annoyance so far, just little effects like what paths I take through the stacks or balancing tapping patterns when I make contact with something in a 'wrong' way. I suppose this has been a bit suppressed for the past few years since I have been mainly interacting with a keyboard and not so much having opportunities for showing it, so now it comes up that I am a) moving through a more complexly arranged space than home or classrooms and b) not having my hands occupied with typing gives more opportunity for the sorts of contacts that provoke my urge to pattern completion. A lot like sitting in front of a keyboard, typing text limits my ability to stim, especially with my hands, because they are already in motion.

Filter: tired

It's enough to make one (this one) pause for thought. I like talking about my writing here. Writing about what is going on with it, thoughts prompted by projects whether technical or otherwise. I like rambling about writing.

So? We-ell... (oh we do indeed have our habits of speech) some amount of my fiction output these days is erotica. Actually it seems to get a bit more positive response than the rest, but to be fair that's been getting quicker production and more exposure than other stuff for a while now. I have not been sharing most of the other stuff I wrote or am writing, and that was a bit of a surprise to realise. Larger projects those, I suppose, but that is not just now the topic.

No, what we're wondering about is where 'talking about my writing' and 'writing erotica' intersect and what to do there. I have a vague sense that writing such things is frowned upon, considered a bit shameful and lesser. More even than fanfiction, which I've been a bit defiantly open about when actively working on. Hm. Knot here. How to weave those thoughts in a pleasing, well-shaped way?

There's a bit of a sense of it being looked down upon, although this might be a mistaken impression, or only partly correct. Still, what if I am in a position as a writer where I feel pressured to make invisible any such history in the name of respectability? Or if I later feel something like ashamed of such endeavours and want to vanish them? This internet of ours has a long memory and what has been public tends to stay public. So it is not very revocable as decisions go.

Then I ought to be cautious before writing about those writings, yes? But I am increasingly drifting from the goal of being an 'established, respected author'. Seeing that less and less as something to aim for and instead desiring more to take enjoyment in my writing itself, not so much seeking even the vindication of official publication by a proper paying publishing house. My main worry is how the quality of my output might perhaps be hurt by having no outside editor.

There is a sense of erotica being regarded as shameful or lesser arising from wider cultural issues with sexuality. The sort that say sexuality is dirty (and therefore bad), or harmful, or, yes, shameful. If sex were something widely celebrated or (imagine!) comfortable would stories focusing on it for enjoyment be attached with a stigma such that we'd feel pressure to distance ourselves from writing them, to make them secret so as not to diminish ourselves in the eyes of others?

Then I'd think that a reason to go ahead and be open, ignore those pressures as much as I can. Mainly because I think so much shame and derision about sex is culturally unhealthy and why should I go along with that if I do not have to? Maybe from fear of personal social consequences. Not a, let's say not a noble reason, though I hesitate about possible connotations of that word, but that would be a reason. See something, think it bad, go along with it because of fearing what might happen. Not, you know, that I think The Man would come and shut me down, but some people might be mean, hey.

There is a bit of worry that to talk about erotica as part of my writing means also of necessity to make my own sex life and sexuality public. I'm not immune to social pressure. Whether it is good or bad or just a thing, I don't want to, don't feel comfortable being so completely open about that. Maybe this discomfort will change later but I don't assume so. That makes it a bit of a line to take care with. It suggests that if I do talk in a public way about writing erotica I'd probably want to focus more on the technical aspects than discussion of content... then again, content is not necessarily a betrayal of things I'd rather keep private, as I do write for others too and I-

Well. Really it seems to me the sensible approach so far as erotica is concerned is to write about it as I would any other of my writing, particular approaches and considerations suggested by the genre aside. Hesitance to do so seems born more of cultural shame and stigma than any reason I'd claim more worthy of weight, and where that overlaps with privacy is a range to be navigated as it is for any other area in which we might do so. And that's where we've come to so far.

Filter: blah

Having brought honour to the Klingons, logic to the Vulcans and somehow all-round brought Star Trek back to previously established conceptions from which it somehow deviated...

They should have ditched the final episode. We should have had this:

Archer collapses against bulkhead, weary.
Archer: Alright Al, I fixed it. Can I go home now?

Filter: mischievous

O.O
:D

ETA: Ohhh, starting here.

Sometimes at this placement I feel a bit like an inadvertently undercover spy. The two most popular subjects for students to be borrowing seem to be gender studies and education of children with disabilities, particularly autistic ones.

Filter: weird

Maybe I should rearrange habits so LiveJournal flist reading is no longer my 'settling in' activity. I tend to get rather bitter and envious about people having things in their lives, doing things I wish I could (which is nearly everything people write about). So by the time I'm caught up my enthusiasm is often damped to mopiness and I end up even less likely to be getting as much done as I would be aiming for.

Got to get settled into the long and slow walk, to find some things for feeling good about and get to where it seems I need.

What have I for feeling good about? There are people who love me and who I love, dear and close friends. That's something I didn't have until the past couple of years. So focus on that instead of still loneliness and separation.

What else? I have a local sort of friend I get along with in class. That's kind of nice.

Writing and class / employment? Not happy about either. Behind on writing but if I work harder could get to a point of being happy with the striving; this is intended. I might not find this placement to be beyond me. I might not fail to find employment. I might not fail at being able to 'take care of myself' according to the rules of this society. Getting those would be satisfying and it might happen.

Identity stuff? Can get voice interpreted as expressing desired gender with fair consistency. Hopefully can improve other aspects of situation over the next few months, matters of doctors and prescriptions. The rest perhaps is introspection and expression.

Activities? No, but maybe if I research some can be found. Also depends a lot on finding employment so there is money to get to, get into.

So what's good? Love is good. Friends are good. Both are distant so only part satisfying. Voice is good. Other stuff might improve with focused effort and dedication. Otherwise we'd get too distracted and let opportunities slip by still. Feeling good about self, that's hard work, but still aimed for.

Filter: tired

This past week was the first back in classes, back at industry placement after a couple of weeks on break. It was a holiday period at TAFE and they wouldn't let us continue our placement during that period because their insurance would not cover it. Fair enough.

Wednesday, gave Q a lift home. Just before she got out, warned me to expect questioning the next day at the placement. The libraries she and I have been placed at are twins, basically, part of the same overall system, closely located and having complementary collections. A lot of what we have been doing at our placements involves managing the books being transferred between each, the ones returned to the other, the ones requested by students from elsewhere. That's the scene.

One of the women who has been working where I was has since been snatched up by the location Q has been placed at, working there in the last week before we were sent on break. They were talking and Q, apparently, was asked if I were gay. The answer to that was actually no, and that I even have a fiance. Well. But moving on, she thus warned me to expect lots of gossipy questions.

I was expecting something less pleasant than what transpired. It turns out people were mostly interested to have a detail from my personal life and wanted to know more. Q and I had shared a bit of mutual culture shock at realising people of roughly our age cohort really do such things. Aaanyway.

"Why didn't you mention this before?"

"It didn't come up."

It's true. I was asked variously about broad details of soltice and meeting her, what she does, our plans and suchlike. I tried to mention pazi_ashfeather but what I said seemed to get ignored in favour of something which better fit accustomed social patterns. Considered trying to be open about other stuff too, but it's hard to find moments when those things would be at all relevant, so we didn't.

Tricky, huh? And unfair.

Is like what Q said a while back: "I think if you die in Library and Information Services, you die in real life."

Filter: curious

[Where we say today read Friday, now a couple of days previous. Writing went slow.]

Today reminds me sharply of the importance of writing the second Kays' World story. It managed a usual amount of good and bad, perhaps a bit more than most days. Industry placement, performing library work. Today was short-handed due to sickness and I had to manage the front desk alone for some stretches in the morning. Was very sluggish to start and wondering if might be coming down with a bit of sickness. But it got managed and so did other stuff, enough to be complimented at end of day for the help provided (unless that was regular make-nice).

Still, this place is showing me limits. Putting me in sight of the place where I can't make sense of my surroundings, where all those colours and shapes and noises stop meaning anything. Fortunately not crossed into, despite fear it might be. Perhaps I am fortunate to have been only potentially rather than actually having to deal with that. I did on a couple of occasions experience sufficient dissociation as to be observing my body performing its tasks without my conscious input. We might call that a state of enlightenment... it is not entirely hard. And there is a bit less stress as we keep coming back, despite the anxious whimpering on the drive there, and back home, and in those moments alone. But there were also some moments of feeling calm in the day, tentatively capable and not in every moment fraught with stress.

So. There were moments of calm and that made it better than previous days doing this work-thing. There were moments of dissociation from my own body and its actions, moments in which I felt near to losing my ability to parse coherently external input. That suggests worse than previous days. And later on, well. Mind got captured in an obsessive thought spiral, and a heavy layer of dread. Because people keep connecting this swine flu thing with the zombie-plague-apocalypse idea and that was a whole big mess of waking nightmare for me half a year ago. I suppose that is my fault - I had first the connection and though not saying it first did say to others the steps that led me there. They followed that readily, out loud. But that had been two days before, so perhaps it takes a while.

I was having no success shaking that despite repeated attempts at self-distraction. At least there was no imminent panic like there had been last year, no feeling of impending or realised reality. I think. And it was a combination of relief + deathtrap to see so many unpanicked people about. It still seemed not a good situation, terror obsession + infirm grip on self awareness and sensory processing. Fortunately I got to take a break. In it I took up to rescue myself the book I'd previously labelled a wallbanger.

It was on page seven, the passage in which our male lead reflects that it would be nice to have a woman in his life, and though he sees someone occasionally it is not love between them.

Invariably, after they'd completed their lovemaking and were lying together, she'd tell him, "You're the best, Robert, no competition, nobody even close."

He supposed that was a good thing for a man to hear, but he was not all that experienced snd had no way of knowing whether or not she was telling the truth anyway. But she did say something one time that haunted him: "Robert, there's a creature inside of you that I'm not good enough to bring out, not strong enough to reach. I sometimes have the feeling you've been here a long time, more than one lifetime, and that you've dwelt in private places none of the rest of us has even dreamed about. You frighten me, even though you're gentle with me. If I didn't fight to control myself with you, I feel like I might lose my center and never get back."

He knew in an obscure way what she was talking about. But he couldn't get his hands on it himself. He'd had these drifting kinds of thoughts, a wistful sense of the tragic combined with intense physical and intellectual powerm even as a young boy growing up in a small Ohio town. When other kids were singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," he was learning the melody and English words to a French cabaret song.

Filter: calm

The phrase 'person with autism' probably counts as a pet peeve of mine. Phrasing like that frames it as something external which afflicts an otherwise 'normal' person and locks em away from the otherwise healthy and social life ey might otherwise have lived. I associate it strongly with pathologisation and cure-oriented thought.

Why write this now? Because I am poking around a charity to see if it is something I might want to support and their website is littered with the phrase. It grates on me every time I read it.

The event itself and affiiates do seem more focused on living support and helping programs - hopefully ones which are actually helpful and not abusive - rather than cure research, but it is jarring to be smacked in the face with 'disorder' so many times over such a short interval. One site even renamed it 'Asperger's disorder' from 'Asperger's syndrome'. Really, you're going to do that?

Also jarring to look at organisations ostensibly for my benefit but not... for me. Aimed at people other than the ones they ostensibly serve.

"The privilege of working with our client group is that participation in one of our programs is as enjoyable and fun as any leisure activity outside of work. Coupled with the fact that many people find volunteering satisfying and rewarding, we think that volunteers will find an authentic and meaningful way to spend their time whilst making a difference. The nature of our programs means that we are literally lucky enough to find the time to stop and smell the roses."

"The aims of this program are to:

introduce our clients to a wider circle of people;
increase community awareness of autism;
provide a positive, effective and satisfying way for volunteers to meet people with disabilities."

I... wasn't aware that providing services for autistic people is also a convenient way for normal people to meet some pleasant exotics.

Filter: blah

Been seeing ads for Star Trek recently. Usually I perk up and think it looks like a fun actiony science fiction movie. Then I see which movie it is and get disappointed. Presumably the trailer is misleading to some extent but... the Enterprise crew should not be putting me in mind of space marines from Quake. It does not look or feel like Star Trek to me. It looks and feels like a potentially fun action adventure movie in space, one that happens to have familiar franchise and character names.

So, unless this film has some really magical quality that makes me revise my opinion when I see it... as far as I am concerned they have failed at making a Star Trek film. Which does not mean I think it is necessarily a bad film (though it might be), or that I am opposed to a franchise reboot (actually would have favoured an outright reboot rather than one which, according to what I have read of it, seeks an internal explanation for suddenly altered history).

What it does make me think is maybe we should have a franchise which fills the cultural role this film looks to be aiming for, so we can have that and the Star Trek role both filled. Although there's often been action in Star Trek, and I rather like seeing it there, I think the franchise is let down when it becomes the main focus (cf. Nemesis). Balance of Terror was a great episode not specifically for including combat but for what it used the battle to show about the characters and politics involved. It also happened to, I think, establish starship combat as more akin to submarine combat than dogfights, something which seems to have been forgotten since Generations. Then again, a lot of what has been going on since seems to have been attempts to replicate past successes.

But that's a digression. What I mean is, seeing these ads has had me thinking I would really like to see a science fiction franchise for which they would be accurately capturing the spirit. I want a science fiction series, television and film, in which the standard thing is big explosions and fights and heroic battles against evil with spaceships and all that jazz. I've never actually, really, seen something like that even though it has enough cultural presence already to suggest it would be very welcome. I want to have that show, that series, and I would really like to see it coexist with Star Trek.

As for Star Trek itself, my pre-film thoughts are that I want the franchise to be rebooted, because the existing continuity is worn out. However, I'd rather an outright reboot than the time travel messing about my reading suggests is happening. And it looks like this version might be more action-adventure than I'd prefer, where my ideal Star Trek is offering of utopian future and meditative on human nature (and not infrequently informed by violent conflict, yes).

So that's how it looks to me currently, and what I'd like to happen.

Filter: chipper

It's a secret, you know. We don't know the insides of other people. We don't know their thoughts, their fears, their worries. We see the outside, and onto that we see projected certainty. We see, we doubt, our own validity, but when it comes to others even their own statements of hesitance and personal uncertainty may not be recognised by us, not internalised and realised as our shared truth.

We doubt we're real. We doubt we're valid. We think we're making it up, but other's aren't.

Filter: surprised

Whenever I hear that name I think 'Ellen degenerates' and imagine a woman who collapses matter to electron degeneracy, or perhaps neutronium.

Filter: silly

... how many people speak of 'cis' as a term adopted from chemistry, when my own first encounter with it was astronomical. Cislunar space, translunar space.

Filter: silly

There's a thing about executive functioning issues often associated with autism. And I've noticed my hygiene doesn't seem to be taking care of itself. Sleeping too. I thought I could manage those since I seemed to go okay when I was younger.

I don't know, but I've identified two factors which, being addressed, should help with this a great deal. One is making time specifically for these necessary activities, the other is disengaging from what I am doing when those times come up to go deal with the scheduled important thing instead. Because I like being clean, and well rested, I just keep forgetting to make those happen.

The second part... I don't know how to make happen yet. Am hoping a mere conscious choice to put aside and do will suffice. As for the first part, that's a bit easier, and why my personal calendar is going to be for a while experimentally marked with such peculiar instructions as 'shower'.

Filter: optimistic

My shoulders are sore because I have been doing push-ups, today and yesterday, and hadn't been doing anything active for some long time previous. My body has been wanting to be used, but I have long felt a bit nervous about this whole exercise thing.

See, I am quite unfit. Inactive. Strenuous and even non-strenuous activities can easily put me out of breath. I would like to become fit. However... that bothers me as a goal. I worry that, without some concrete definition of 'fit' to strive for, or even with one, whenever I get there I would set the bar a bit higher still and incrementally work my way into decidedly unhealthy territory without realising.

There are two reasons I do not exercise more. One is regular, familiar inertia. That resistance to getting started which feels silly after the fact. The other reason is I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to guarantee to myself not to keep whispering 'just a little more' every time I reach a goal, or to recognise a point sufficient for any reasonable need I will have. Perhaps that would make itself obvious on encountering.

Still, for years I have been wary of incrementing myself to death. There are other areas I keep doing it in.

Filter: annoyed

The urge to deny previous love is strong, perhaps that by making it false we bolster claims of present feelings true and eternal.

If I could have said those things and meant them then, and now feel them not... it is not a transition pleasant to contemplate concerning current relationships. I think perhaps the recoiling embarrassment felt is to disbelieve the present might be as fleeting fragile as the past has been.

Though we hope it not to be.

Filter: embarrassed

We just had a bit of a problem with the dishwasher. Wasn't closing. I suggested, not seriously, it might have spontaneously broken. But we had no idea what was up with it until the cat slipped out from under the bottom dishwasher draw.

Apparently the problem was 'cat lodged in dishwasher, please try again later'.

He's fine, by the way, and giving me some kind of stare from his perch atop the speaker right now.

Filter: amused

It seems Obama is doing what I feared and not what I hoped. I wish I could at least be surprised or feel betrayed, rather than merely disappointed.

Filter: disappointed

Finally have finished the story I started at the end of December, a big relief. Composition was done in January, been editing since. Very slow and frustrating when I wanted to be done with it; the second half of the document was actually done in a single night a couple of days ago. I felt then as if I must have been not trying hard enough if it took so long to do the first half when the second came much easier... but maybe it is instead a sign I did not do as well with the second half and maybe it just means this is how it went and that is all.

And there were still some errors to clean up after making it available, but very much I am relieved - happy - to have finished this story at last. Which means we get to start on the next one.

When I was younger, a child and into my early teens, I thought mostly of doing novels and series in original settings. It amuses me then that what I am doing most of at present is erotic stories and fanfiction, but I can't say I look down on that or find it an underuse of my potential. Mostly they just have different utilities. Different presentations, different possibilities. If I am frustrated by this for any reason, it is because there are so many stories I want to write and working on any of them means not working on the others.

I suppose what that means is, in the parlance of the internet: write moar.

The main curse I have to overcome is the pressure I feel on myself that I need to meet some sufficiently literary standard. I want to cast that off because what I want to do is write and have fun with it, to please myself.

Filter: accomplished

We have a program here on Australian television called Border Security: Australia's Front Line. Rageworthy enough that it exists, focused on catering to white middle-class fear of shifty people of colour sneaking in to 'our' country for nefarious purposes, with a strong focus on 'gotcha' moments of heroically catching people out... and that the format was successfully sold to the United States. Oh, and that this is framed as the front line in some kind of war.

But the reason for posting here is the most recent advertisement I saw for it, suggesting there has been uncovered an ID irregularity in the documentation of a person entering the country. The question is asked in the ad "Is this Martha really an Arthur?" So apparently, apart from any other awkwardness, trans people travelling to or from Australia have to worry about being mocked and humiliated on national television for the entertainment of the pro-white segment of Australian society. I raged about this last time it happened too, so apparently it really is show policy to do this.

Filter: angry

These days it looks a lot like media is shifting. Paper-print being slow replaced with online and new emerging media growing. Even text where it does persist is being cut shorter, people less willing to read a single item for so long. So it seems perhaps those who wish to create had best adapt their craft as popular forms change yet again, and possibilities previously unavailable are opened.

And I do not choose to adapt. There might be a few ideas which take advantage of possibilities unavailable or more difficult in traditional forms, what we mostly want to do is write our long prose stories, even if that is a slowly fading form. And we could be wrong, but we're still resigned to doing our thing even if the winds blow against it being where the future goes.

Filter: contemplative

Sometimes, in the past couple of months. Sometimes I look around at night and realise how haunted the past year was for me. I look around and realise abruptly, happily, that I am not in fear of demons, of malevolent presences lurking within or out of sight.

We are glad not to be so haunted for now, and disquieted to realise how pervasive this was in the year previous. That period - for reference - of roughly November 2007 to February 2009 in which horror and subtle paranoia washed over in its not quite subsiding ebb and flow. I do not pretend things must be always better from now, for we have had our peaks before, but still this is a happy thing to notice in absence.

Filter: relieved

... I really want to staple shut the mouth of any neurotypical person who tries to talk about autistic people. Sometimes especially people who fancy themselves anti-oppression.

Filter: weary

When an autistic person is pointing out the most prominent organisation claiming to advocate for autistic people contains none among its leadership and in fact has as its mission the eradication of autistic people from the population, the subject at hand is in fact not whether this was expressed in the best way. The subject at hand is actually a serious problem which would really be helped by people addressing.

Filter: enraged

Newspapers and Thinking the Unthinkable

It makes increasingly less sense even to talk about a publishing industry, because the core problem publishing solves — the incredible difficulty, complexity, and expense of making something available to the public — has stopped being a problem.

I do not like it when my dreams could be made as horror films.

Finally gave up on, abandoned reading and automated checking of Abstract Gender, mainly from realising I hadn't enjoyed it to begin with and did not particularly care if it ever began updating in strip format again. That I had still been following it only because I had started and felt vaguely obligated to outlast the the thing.

Has been replaced with Alex which seems a bit acclaimed and popular in newspapers and to which I've no objection yet to starting reading since it is easy. I just wish I knew how often it is supposed to update.

That done, once Paradise Lost is read we're sort of up to 'F' in arbitrary webcomics reading, except for the post-alphabetised ones.

Wow, this was really a pointless post. Guess I just like talking.

Filter: dorky

With accompanying increased hip-swaying, is easier to feel tail swish while walking about. Although sometimes this can lead to self-consciousness. The embarrassed sort, not the kinaesthetic pleasure sort that was the first thing.

Filter: scared

Phil Plait has put together a fun list of Ten Things You Didn't Know About Pluto. I still had fun reading it even knowing the items on it already, so definitely recommending people take a look if they want a bit of astronomy for the day.

Going now to look at the other such lists he has done.

Filter: melancholy

Seems maybe there is actually a use for Twitter after all.

On the day itself it was uncertain, would there a honeymoon be? The answer turned out yes, so from this morning to unknown we've a house minus two of its major regular occupants.

I'd messed up sleeping again last night, so had only three hours rest and still was late to class. Came in halfway through test, fortunately still passed and fortunately was only practice. Still, important to show, and learned some things which will be helpful for next week's real test.

In the afternoon our class is indexing and producing abstracts. So far only the indexing, producing from newspaper articles lists of relevant terms for it to be found under in searching. I approach this from the view of a mystery story, and try to mark terms which would be helpful if someone were investigating a mystery or following a series of clues: if I were investigating something related to [potential indexing term], might this resource be useful if it showed up?

We did a practice test which went well, although I feel more uncertain of this subject still than most. Also found out where we would be having the next placement, which is starting next week. Is actually the science and technology library at the university where I was studying astronomy, the library I spent a lot of time in researching for assignments. Also it turns out Q has been assigned to the other library at the campus, the one with all the literature and humanities. I talked with her a bit about ways to get there by public transport since she wasn't very familiar with that particular university. Might offer transport, depending how things work out.

Went and fed dogs, they did not seem interested in eating. Ninja cat has finished testing nomming tools, has now moved on to evaluation of rocketpaws. Am very impressed with Monroe's patience, for not snarling or snapping at him as he gnaws on her legs and leaps at her face, and the frequent pouncing attempts.

Was intending to do some writing too, but had not much sleep. Going to get some soonish, tomorrow call contact person and find out what hours they want me to show, etc.

Filter: sleepy