nervous

A dotdate???

 

Keep starting rambling journal entries with the intention of posting them, and they keep getting away or being abandoned for having lost relevance. Before this one suffers the same fate, as it is in strong danger of, I shall morph it into a bullet point list of what is going on in my life currently.

  • The government is trying to balance the budget by clawing back money from welfare recipients, so they contacted me to the effect of claiming I owe them more than $900 from 2012.

  • Filed an appeal – luckily I had all my payslips still – but since that information is in my favour rather than theirs they're taking a couple of weeks to get back to me, instead of instantaneous like before.

  • Done so badly at university this year they're kicking me out.

  • Filed an appeal on that too, and also waiting on the response.

  • Gathering information for that appeal meant collecting psych assessments my GP had been holding onto from several years back, and reading those was so distressing it nearly rendered me too non-functional to actually attach them and lodge the appeal

  • Plus it wasn't fun getting the vibe from my GP when I explained the situation, though he didn't say so, “you're a bit childish and TBH you deserve this”

  • I wasn't kidding in what I wrote in that appeal about struggling at work. Feels like I'm reaching or have reached limits of what I can balance and focus. Which might be okay if it paid me enough to support myself on.

  • Car's cost me $900 in repairs over the past week, and I'm passing on another $1500+ that it needs in favour of admitting it really does need to be replaced, although this will cost even more.

  • I just can't get out of here soon enough to feel comfortable taking the risk.

  • The book I'm reading is good though.

  • I'm scared, always. Still trying not to let myself think, to keep that at bay.

  • I hope

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nervous

Undoing

 Been cleaning up my living space the past few weeks and feeling proud of the progress I've made, though I'm a long way yet from being finished. Would share Before and In Progress photos except for not having a working phone at present and consequently no working camera.

Accumulated a lifetime (so far) of detritus and wanting to clean that out and simplify, plus the added mess and trash that comes from being just plain bad at looking after myself. The goal of being easily and cheaply relocatable is probably entirely out of reach, as lacking foresight I've accumulated too many books for that and refuse to part with many. I will get as close as I can.

There is so much I can probably do without, and nearly as much I won't miss if it's gone, if I can persuade myself to be rid of it.

Looking forward to feeling less trapped.
 
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writing things down

Preoccupations

 Grief and getting over people are on my mind recently. When people die, or are lost from your life, our culture hasn't given me much to get to grips with that but time.
 
Time helps but I do not think it is a complete answer. There must be techniques for processing absences in ways healthier than others. Coming to terms with non-existence, accepting lost possibilities. Having memories + associations good and bad without being undone by them. Self-directed guilt and blame about feelings and their performance.
 
Maybe there really is no such thing, or my understanding so lacking I don't even comprehend what I am talking about. Of course we could always add more time but that is going to happen anyway until I die.
 
Our stories say there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with loss and continuing in our lives. But so far I can't recall actual substantive advice about how to distinguish or switch between.
 
"Talk things out", "think of good times instead of bad" or "lots of people react like that, it doesn't mean you're a bad person" are probably good seeds but they are neither trees nor orchards. I want to know about the soil, the sunlight, the water and fertiliser. What creatures devour the roots and which are here to frolic or nibble peaceably?
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haircut

For the sake of posting

In my dreams last night I was a woman, which is rare enough, albeit one as naive and awkward about it as my waking self.

In these dreams I also had a brief career in astronomy, in a system where publication is so compulsory that, for lack of anything more suitable, astronomical digests will scoop up and compile whatever incidental writings on the topic they can find - I thereby became scandalously known for my use of the word cunt in the literature, and there was some pressure for a more erudite, intentionally reasoned follow-up (i.e. that I write something actually intended for publication).

Surprisingly nice compared with my usual dreamings. Feeling wistful and wondering what I did to get such undreadful images in my sleeping self. Perhaps I'd like to interpret this as a message of hope or encouragement.
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probably quantum

A partial honesty

Lately the navigation function of Google Maps has taken to showing a little report at the end, information like travel time, distance covered, average speed. I find this very neat and interesting, but dislike how how much it seems oriented toward covering itself and maintaining a positive presentation.

If I arrive earlier than its forecast it will say "arrived X minutes earlier than predicted" or similar. But for days like today, it will just say "1 hr 25 min driving"[1] without that extra "arrived 28 minutes later than predicted" that I feel it could really benefit from.

Worse, if I  took the app up on a faster route suggestion during travelling (as happened one morning driving to work), but still arrive later than the initial forecast, it will say "saved X minutes due to using [this tool]". Now, I don't doubt in that specific case that time was saved over not taking the suggested detour. But it still feels dishonest for a navigation app to be reporting only on the time saved due to following its directions and not giving a more complete report. Even on factors outside its control, although I'd expect it to report if its advice turned out to be incorrect.

Something like "Delayed M minutes by congestion, but cut that down to N minutes later than forecast thanks to our advice" would be much more welcome than this silence, which seems to expect me not to notice happenings like, say, a motor accident causing a half hour delay on travel time. It leaves me feeling like Google thinks it's pulling a fast one on me, or regards itself as a naughty child who won't be punished if it just doesn't mention the broken vase. Maybe I'm uncharacteristic, but what I want out of tools and features like this is information, understanding, and clarity.

[1] Quotes are approximate, from memory.

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it would have been a scale model

Sometimes I wonder

 If I were inclined to write fanfic rather than 'original' stories, would people like my stories more? If they had some prior investment and interest in the characters and what they get up to?

But this train of thought is rapidly derailed by the reminder that unless I actually write stories, no one is going to have opinions on them no matter whether they hypothetically would be fanfiction or not. So I should worry about making words happen at all before I worry whether and how people like them.

It also gives a bit of a lie to telling myself it's just me and what I want that I write, and the enjoyment of others is incidental. Probably the resolution to that conflict is I want to write things that please me, and for others to also tell me it's good.

 
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haircut

(no subject)

 EXT. The Fields of Pelennor

The Witch Queen: "Fool. No living man may hinder me."

Eowyn: "But no living man am I! You look upon a woman."

The Witch Queen: "Then, hinder me."

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haircut

Had a good day today

Went clothes shopping with my mother and sisters. Ended up getting a couple of shirts, a skirt, and a big woolly sweater, 3 items of which am currently wearing. Family had wanted to go see a movie, specifically Absolutely Fabulous, but it was no longer showing. I'm a bit relieved by that as it's quite not my thing although I would have gone for the sake of being social. Siblings also got some clothes, as did my mother, but the latter turned down a lot of things we thought would have looked nice on her.

Been worried about taking the time out away from school when I'm in such dire circumstances, but it's rare enough to get some non-awful social time I chose to take the time and opportunity.

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